I'm So Excited & I Just Can't Hide It
What is your relationship with Excitement? Happiness? The Blahs?
I can be a big WOOO HOOO girl. A YES, Yes, YES type of gal. I am an enthusiastic cheerleader to myself and others. I get thrilled by positive things that God blesses me with. When something great happens, big or small, I want to sing it from rooftops and announce the joy to the world.
My baseline is positivity., fueled by gratitude, a love for people and a confidence that my best days are out ahead of me. It is a much higher baseline than even a few years ago. I may have low energy days and get upset about stuff sometimes, but my energy now wants to go to this place. I like it… and,,, it can be a little exhausting at times.
I like to surf the high waves, but it can get tiring to sustain for long periods of time. When I’m in creative flow, I don’t want the day to end.
You see, I have bipolar I. I used to think I was a total victim to it. That nothing I did was going to change it’s big-time swinging rollercoaster of a ride. So when things were good, back then, I’d ride out those days to the wee hours of the night. This was driven by a fear that they would end and I’d plummet into a depression.
Happiness was not acceptable back then in many ways. I didn’t know the difference between mania and pure happiness. Every time I felt pleasure in life, I was afraid that I was about to go manic. Not just hypomanic but full blown psychotic-rip-a-big-hole-in-my-life destructive and dangerous mania. I even used to interpret any comfort in my skin as a sign that danger was just around the corner. I was terrified of things elevating and skyrocketing until my life went haywire.
To combat all this fear, my therapist gave me a sheet from the diagnostic book that shows qualities of mania. It says something like if you have 3-4 of them, then you are experiencing hypomania. If you have 5 or more, you’ve got mania on your hands. This helped me tremendously to gauge where I was at mentally and emotionally. That if I were feeling happy, it did not mean I was going manic. And if I were feeling “blah” or “off,” this did not mean I was going to fall into deep depression.
Also a great reminder always is “This too Shall Pass.” Nothing is permenent. It is like the waves of the ocean. Ups and downs. Ebbs and flows.
I’ve learned that having a real zest for life is a genuine part of my personality. I’m a helper, Enthusiast and Peacemaker on the Enneagram. That’s a 2, 7,and 9) This zest of mine is amplified by doing esteem-able things: working on goals. Accomplishing goals. Hearing another person’s story and staying curious, connecting with others, writing a poem, swimming my laps and getting a “swimmer’s high,” traveling and the taste for adventure overtaking me with exploring new places and meeting new people and diving into new cultures. Also, making art in whatever form. These things all carry great joy in my life. Satisfaction. Happiness.Joy..
Now, I am a work in progress, as we all are. Just remember that. It is by God’s Grace that I was given tools to use to manage pretty serious mental health conditions. That being said—now the state of “blah” or the ebb part of the wave stil feels unacceptable. I have started to reframe however, that these times as not something to avoid, but to execute extreme self-care when those days come up. This can look very different than those sharply focused days. It is more about being than doing.
It’s a time to do relaxing activities. To rest and rejuvenate. Sometimes it means allowing myself to sleep more to ‘recover” from the happiness that is all expansive.
I’m grateful I keep growing and understanding my patterns, my energy ebb and flow and instead of resisting it. I have been building in a radical acceptance and compassion around it. Whenever a person tries to force things to change, things never work out. We all have to meet ourselves where we’re at, in order to let in new possibilities. .
So I love the fireworks of life. Always have, always will. I love to exude positivity and look at the brighter side of life. I hope you do too.
I
